Sunday, October 31, 2010

Dance Your Heart Out Baby

So I told her we were quitting... going to try something new.

Sometimes during dance....I don't watch her.
Nursing baby, talking toddler, active boys, chatting with friends, just trying to catch my breath.
I used to watch with amazement when she danced.

She was just a little older then Jill.
And I missed this face,
this excitement and joy.

What else do I miss? I want to see every laugh, every smile. I want to be the one that you cry your eyes out too or let your imagination go wild with. I want to be the one that you come to with long talks and bad dreams. Is this selfish? Is this right? All this they so willingly give me and sometimes, sometimes I miss it because days are long and time is sparse, life is busy and there are things to do.
And at night when I am reflecting on the words that were said to me by these little people that I love, I think back to every time I didn't listen close enough, or pay attention to all the details, or "really see" what they are trying to show me. And I yell "Pay Attention, This will be over Soon." As tears start to flow, I pray, "God let me be better, let me see and hear what they say, be my voice when I talk to them, don't let me forget what being a child was like."
And every morning I wake up with the intentions of being this great and perfect mom, only to fall short again and again. Someone says the wrong thing or doesn't clean a mess and my issues with order and neatness get in the way. They are my job, my legacy, the reflection of me. Not my house, yard or car but the things I teach them, how they treat others, how they love my Jesus, how they love each other...these are my goals, my job description, this should be in the planner, always on the back of my mind, nothing should blur it. I don't want to fail at this job of Motherhood, this is my big fear. And yet I realize that I will always fail, I will never succeed, I will never be that perfect mother who listens intently every time a sweet voice speaks, never raises my voice when siblings are going after each other. I am the mom that sometimes thinks what is wrong with these crazy kids and has Corey point at me laughing and say "they are just like you." I am the mom that sometimes hides in the dark corners of my closet just to catch my breath. I am the mom that doesn't notice how much her daughter loves dance and tries to take her out of it. I miss things, I make mistakes, I sometimes get selfish or bogged down with the wrong thing. This is the kind of mom I am but thank God he always interferes, He is my voice, He is in mind and heart whispering those things I miss or Shouting when I don't respond, he is in control. So at night when those tears are coming and my confidence is down, thank God for his peace and grace that comforts my heart and thank God for the joy he gives me everyday in these little people I call Mine.

1 comment:

Mrs. Boggess said...

I can definitely relate and God has been convicting me of many of the same things. I'll be praying for you.